Dreams, Bedtime, and a Snowman name Frosty

Today, a dream was realized. No; I didn’t miraculously finish-up that dissertation I’ve been working on for the past few years. I didn’t win an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii or free Caribou coffee for a year.  However, a dream was realized: Keilan built a snowman.

First Snow

Keilan enjoying the first
snow of the season 🙂

On the very first snow day this winter, when a few flakes floated down from the sky, Keilan lay awake for hours after I put him to bed.  When I went to check on him, I found him sitting on my bed, staring out the window.  Once he noticed me, he didn’t dive back under the covers like he usually does when he gets “caught” out of bed.  Instead, he turned to me with the largest eyes imaginable and said: “Momma! There’s snow on the gate. And on the leaves. And the trees. And the houses…” As he trailed off, I snuggled him back into bed. And as I started to leave the room, he called out in a breathless whisper: “Momma! Will it be ‘nuff?”  I attempted to hide a knowing grin; there was no need for me to ask what he was referring to with his excited question.  Though I didn’t want to crush his dreams, I carefully tried to lower his hopes regarding the likelihood of whether or not there would be ‘nuff (translate: enough) snow to build a snowman in the morning.  The next day, as we drove to daycare, he was still marveling at the snow: on the cars, on the grass, on the road, on the signs…. The snow was less than an inch thick, but it had blanketed our commute in white and raised his two-year-old hopes of building a snowman.  Between the van and the door to our childcare provider’s home, Kei and I made a little pile of snow that we called a “snowman” and I assured him we would make another, “real” snowman soon.  I went to work that day with extra joy in my journey; I felt the joy of anticipation: the joy found in that magical first snow.

A few weeks went by before I could answer that hopeful question, “Is there ‘nuff?” with an emphatic: “Yes.” And when the snow came, Keilan and I wasted no time in setting out to build a snowman.  Just getting ready to go outside is an adventure. Putting on snowpants, boots, coat, hat, mittens…all in a particular order, caused all involved to be somewhat sweaty and exhausted before ever reaching the door. But we survived the prep work and Keilan jubilantly led the way outside.

Yes, I did capture a picture of Keilan crying in the "COLD! snow...after all, I think it is important to capture all of life's moments: even the less-than joyous ones ;)

Yes, I did capture a picture of Keilan crying in the “COLD! snow…after all, I think it is important to capture all of life’s moments: even the less-than joyous ones 😉

Our time in the snow that day was limited. Sadly, we were back inside in less time than it took us to get ready to go outside in the first place.  Keilan came to the realization that snow was “Cold!” and that mittens, while necessary for touching the snow, restrict the movement of your fingers.  Although I was undeniably frustrated that afternoon, I had to laugh as well. The poor guy was soooooo excited to go play in the snow; and sooooo devastated by the reality of it. It made me think about how often we think that we know exactly what we want until we realize that our dreams come with some discomfort and restriction as well.  That day, joy was in a reminder about perspective: the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence…and the snow just might be colder?

For the past few weeks, I have felt that Keilan might be ready to tackle snowman construction again.  And he has shown renewed interest; asking about building a “real” snowman: a “big one.”  Unfortunately, we have been experiencing unbearably cold temperatures that have dipped to depths of 30-50 degrees below zero and have forced everyone indoors.  But this weekend, I was ecstatic to see the temperature rise, not just about zero, but above freezing as well!  We had a busy weekend filled with meetings, laundry, family functions, etc., and it wasn’t until earlier this evening that I realized our temperatures are expected to dip back down into the arctic range again by morning.  I heard the forecast as we were on our way to a family dinner, that would likely keep us out until bedtime, and I was disappointed that I hadn’t made the time to take Keilan outside in this short-lived “heat”-wave.  But after mulling it over at dinner, I decided that sometimes, a snowman might just be more important than a bedtime.

“Dad, when we get home, will you take Kai upstairs to bed so that Keilan and I can go outside and build a snowman?” I asked as we approached our street.  Keilan let out a gasp from the backseat, and the rest of the drive was filled with the details of what he would need to wear outside, where the snowman should go, and how he would find perfect sticks for the arms.  It was, once again, an epic ordeal to get us both dressed for our snowy adventure, but this time we were more prepared.  I reminded him that his mittens would get snowy and that his hands would get cold. I assured him that cold is ok and that snow is as well.  He hesitated to venture deep into the snow but gladly gave me directions from the shallow edge.  Once our snowman began to take shape, I helped him plod through the deep snow so that he could assist me in adding the details.  He was giddy to discover two perfect sticks for the arms and he set to work making buttons out of snow.  Our snowman is not the most impressive you will ever see, but you would be hard-pressed to find one that was built with more love.  Before the cold threatened our fun, we returned inside; Keilan victoriously leading the way.  Once he had peeled out of his layers, he ran to the window and sat staring at his creation.

Keilan and Frosty“Dad!  Dad!  Do you see him?!?  Do you see him?!?”  Keilan asked as he bounced on the couch pointing out the window.  Patrick complimented him on his handiwork and then asked if his snowman had a name.  “Frosty!” was the immediate response; as if he had been waiting for months to utter that name…the name of HIS snowman.

Keilan didn’t fight bedtime, though he continued to bounce as we made our way up the stairs and towards his bed. And as I tucked him in, his face beamed with pride…and joy.  We both found joy in our journey tonight; in staying up past bedtime and making a dream come true. Staying up a little past bedtime isn’t about breaking rules, but it’s about MAKING time for the little things that are important: building snowmen and finding joy.

Today joy was in a dream realized. Today, joy was a snowman named Frosty.

Diapers, Dissertations, and Dreams

When I first thought about this blog, I thought about titling it: “Diapers, Dissertations, and Dreams” …because I like alliteration 😉 But also because it captured two of my dreams for this year, two pieces to my current journey: being a mom and being a student. Today is the last day of this school year.  This means it is the last day of my sabbatical leave from my teaching job: the last day of my “rest” from the “usual” to complete my dissertation. This makes today a day of reflection.

When I think about this year, my emotions are overwhelming.  I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity to take a year of “rest.”  I feel entirely frustrated that I was not more productive: my dissertation, my reason for this break, is still a long way from completion. And my principal internships went well, but I still have not met with the licensing board to attain my principal’s license.  However, alongside that frustration, there are also immense feelings of gratitude.  I am so grateful to have had this time with my boys. Though this year did not bring a new degree, it did bring a new, miraculous baby boy into our family. And not only did it bring us a healthy baby boy, this year provided me with time to be at home with Kai in these first few months of his life.

To be perfectly honest, today is a difficult day: reflection often is.  I find myself crying through much of today. I have cried tears of regret over things not finished followed by tears of gratitude for the blessing of things so much better than I could have ever imagined.  There have been tears over things lost and things gained.

I feel regret that not only was I unable to finish my dissertation during this sabbatical leave, I was also rather unsuccessful at improving my house-making skills with the additional time: unfortunately the laundry still isn’t finished and the house is only moderately clean. And at the same time, I feel exhausted; as though keeping up with two boys every day was challenge enough in itself.

However, in the midst of the regrets and exhaustion, there is joy and blessing too. Each time Keilan says something adorable (which is ALL the time), I am flooded with joy at this amazing little guy who God chose to bless our family with. I remember all the good times we have had this year: fingerpainting, reading, snuggling on the couch after nap time, taking trips to Target, sharing sweet lunch conversations, building forts, and knocking down towers; and I am overjoyed to have had this time to enjoy everyday life with this little boy and his brother.

I feel I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t confess that I also find myself suppressing feelings of dread; knowing that I will soon return to my teaching job full-time and will miss out on some of these precious, everyday moments.  But, with that confession stated, I will actively choose to remember all that I have to be grateful for.  I am, once again, so grateful to have had this extra time with my boys; and I am also so grateful to have an opportunity to return to teaching: a calling I feel honored to answer.

So, today, my journey finds me in a time of reflection. This is the end of my sabbatical year, but it is not the end of my work, nor is it the end of my dreams. My dissertation may not be finished yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be eventually. Those diapers? I’m changing oh so many of those…and I’m oh so glad to do it 😉  I’m a mom. I’m a student. I’m an educator. I’m many other things as well, and I’m on a journey.

I have challenged myself to keep this blog as a place to record my search for joy on that journey. Merrian-Webster defines joy as, “The emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires.”

I may not yet possess all of my “desires” (i.e. this degree or 8 hours of sleep a night), but if I continue to trust that God’s plans are greater than mine (Proverbs 3:5,6; Jeremiah 29:11) and if I align my desires with His, than I can certainly find hope and joy in the “prospect” of attaining those desires (Psalm 37:4).  And I will move forward from this sabbatical year joyfully: grateful for all of the times of “well-being, success, and good fortune” that I have already experienced and hopeful about the “prospect” of good things to come.

This picture was not posed: one day I watched my little man climb into a tub to read...and his book of choice? The Dissertation Journey :)

This picture was not posed: one day I watched my little man climb into a tub to read…and his book of choice?
The Dissertation Journey
🙂