Tag Archives: joy

All the life in between…

The beginning of the school year always feels like a whirlwind. For at least six weeks; beginning in mid-August, there is no way to catch your breath until the first week of October. And then that breath is usually more of a gasp for air than a steady intake of the life-giving stuff. And I LOVE my students and I love what I do and this is not about all the time I don’t have—rather, it is about all the time I don’t want to miss.

As summer comes to an end, I am always filled with a sense that all the fun is coming to an end. And, in a sense, many of the things I love about summer simply can’t continue year-long. Leisurely breakfasts with my boys, spontaneous mid-day trips to the zoo, luxuriously quiet mid-morning trips to the grocery store, and spur of the moment trips to visit a friend need to make way for structures and schedules and school. In our house, two teachers and two little scholars (preschool and first grade) mean school nights are serious and school mornings are no joke! Our summers are luxurious and afford us endless times together as a family—the school year cuts that down to about two hours a day in which we need to eat, do homework, and accomplish  all the other chores and joys of life. I am grateful for our summers and aware of how blessed we are to have them—but I still mourn the loss of my family time each fall.

And every year, I try to remind myself that school starting doesn’t mean our family time needs to end: that following my life’s calling by day doesn’t mean I need to abandon my life’s calling by night.

I am always looking to document the joy in my journey: I am constantly photographing this adventure called life. And last Monday I took a pic of my boys mid a hectic post-school grocery run and thought: “There it is! These are the moments that make our life together ours. We might only have a few hours together as a family today, but these are the hours we’ll remember.” So this past week, I decided to intentionally document proof of my life outside of the school day.  I kept taking a picture a day for perspective—and I found that I had a lot of living and loving to do outside of my work days.


I recognize that I have the luxury of spending my summers and weekends with my family, but I also get to live the exhausted realities of every day life with them as well.

Tuesday’s image, enjoying a popsicle while wrapped in a blanket, made me smile and is not unlike the daily work-life balancing act. It can be a balancing act and a challenge to find enjoyment in the little things (like a popsicle on the porch); especially if the moment comes with logistical challenges (such as wrapping a blanket around you to make the night a bit less autumnal and a bit more reminiscent of summer). But it is worth the work to find that balance. And, often, the challenge isn’t in the work of manipulating logistics but rather it is in the art of perception: in simply acknowledging the joys that are already there and in the moments waiting to be found good.

Small Moments and Big Rocks

Tonight, my boys were wound up and bouncing a bit more than usual. And after I made the, “We need to start getting ready for bed,” announcement, my 4.5 year old wound up even tighter. But then he looked at me with sincere eyes and said, “Mom, I know what will calm me down: The BIG Rock.”

The BIG Rock, as it is formally known at our house; is a sizable rock that sits in the last yard, at the end of our block. It is the agreed upon turn-around-point for boys who are adventuring down the sidewalk on their Big Wheels and scooters, and it has been a favorite stop on family walks since the boys were old enough to ride along in a stroller.

“I think we need to walk to The Big Rock, Mom. That will help me calm down for bed.”

I started to say, “Maybe tomorrow;” but then I caught myself before the words came out. I chose, instead, to embrace this small moment with my little man: to find joy in the not-always-joyous struggle of bedtime.

Me and My Kai Walking

As we began to walk, Kai held my hand and snuggled up to my side. He rambled off a play-by-play of each crack in the sidewalk, each bump he likes to ride over, and nearly infinite knowledge of each spot along the way. As we neared the end of the block, Kai announced proudly: “It’s coming, Mom!”

And when we arrived at The BIG Rock, he jumped up onto the rock with fanfare. He gave me a grin, declaring: “And now I will sit on The BIG Rock. And YOU will take my picture!”

I laughed as I fumbled to pull out my phone and snap a few pics: happy for this moment together. And then, as quickly as he jumped up on the rock, he jumped back down and we walked home hand-in-hand.  And though the moment was brief, it was special.

Kai on Rock Color

The walk home was a little quieter as Kai tried to catch his shadow among the numerous looooooong shadows of the late, summer evening.

And even though he wanted to race me up the sidewalk to our door, he remained amazingly calm once we walked through it. He greeted Patrick with a smile and a snuggle, and he gave us NO arguments as I escorted him up to bed. After a hug and a kiss, he snuggled into his bed, and he was asleep within moments of laying down.

I found myself still grinning about our trip to The BIG Rock for sometime after Kai went to bed, and it made me ponder our small moment with that BIG Rock…

Maybe The BIG Rock has calming powers after all! Or maybe we’d all sleep better if we could stop and find joy in those tiny moments of connection that are often so easy to pass up because we are busy, or because they don’t follow our set schedule for the day.

And so, once again, I find myself challenged to find joy in my journey. I find myself thanking God for these sweet boys who challenge me and inspire me. And as the sweet, quiet moments of tonight give way to the frustrations and challenges that will inevitably find their way back into my day, I challenge myself to find joy in a BIG Rock or a short walk tomorrow. And, just as Kai leaned into me, may I lean into my Heavenly Father’s embrace as I try to find my way there.

Kai on Rock B&W

May we all find joy in a BIG Rock or a short walk; in a chosen moment of joy today!

 

A Fair Amount of Joy

Going to the fair!

Off to the fair!

Yesterday, we went to the Minnesota State Fair. It is an important tradition for my husband, our friends, and now for our boys as well. It comes the 10 days before Labor Day each year; signaling the end of summer. But even as summer comes to an end, it is a day of putting aside school year anxieties and living in the moment: the excitement and fun that is the fair. Rather than mourning the loss of summer, it is a day of being thankful for all the fun we’ve had over the summer and a day for looking forward to trips to the apple orchards, decorating Christmas trees, new challenges, potential changes, and to all the other adventure that will come between this time and the time the fair will roll again next year. It is a time and a place of joy for me and for my family.

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Can you see our joy?!?! 🙂

The fair is also a place of reflection; of remembering those who have gone with us in the past who are absent from us now. A time and place to acknowledge how things have changed since last year, five years ago, or the first year that Patrick and I explored the fair together. That first year, 18 years ago, we joined his parents for a long and fun day at the fair: just beginning our college careers, new in our relationship, and dreaming ahead to what the future of fair-going might bring for us: days like today with our family of four a distant dream that we could have never even begun to imagine.

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Our double-decker stroller full of awesome!

Sometimes when I see a group of college age “kids”milling around the fairgrounds, I marvel that I have left that pack and have joined the ranks of the stroller-wielding set. Life changes. Life is not always easy. But as I reflect on where we are in this moment, life feels good.

 

The fair is full of fun and friends and FOOD. And this year, we had the added challenge of going dairy-free. This has been an on-going quest for our family, and while we have embraced the benefits, it is still a dietary lifestyle that we are learning to embrace as our own. So as we adventured through our fair day, I felt like this might be a good opportunity to try out my blog as a spot to share a glimpse into our dairy-free journey; as well as provide a peak into a day that we love so well. I’ve toyed with the idea of keeping a more journal-like blog…so I’m claiming this opportunity to give it a go.

Here is our day. Here is our fair and our food and our friends and our family. Enjoy.

Our day started nice and early, and we started the day as we so often do…with PBS Kids 😉

Keilan also had the opportunity to “meet” a favorite celebrity at the fair…

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Yep, my kid is a Bob Ross fan 😉

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Before we could get too far, we needed to stop for
breakfast. And for my guys, the day does not officially begin without a corn dog. And not just any corn dog will do…oh no. They need the 15 inch monsters from Big Dog Corndogs. They were not disappointed with this delicious (and to the best of my knowledge, dairy free) start to their day. And I was pleased that they really never asked for food again 😉

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My dairy-free breakfast of choice: walleye-cakes. Awesome.

After our first foods and a little wandering to gain our state fair bearings, we began exploring all the fair has to offer…

We made plans for post-training-wheel antics on our bikes,IMG_3557

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and bought Icees…for the kids 😉

The boys were adorable little farm hands and sweet, little firefighters too…

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IMG_3582When asked, “Who wants to look at cars?” Kai enthusiastically raised his hand and waited patiently until someone took him to the cars ♥

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A large part of what makes fair day so sweet are the friends who join us in our adventures. Paul joined us for the entire day. He even tolerated our non-dairy approach to the fair this year; even though he has been a faithful sharer of all things dairy in the past: cheese curds, Sweet Martha’s cookies, Cinna-Minnies… But he joined us anyway and we shared garlic fries instead. And I LOVE this picture I took of Uncle Paul and Keilan: aka Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox 🙂

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Part of what makes this picture great is that they TERRIFIED a poor man who happened to be walking by this unassuming poster when it looked at him and smiled…I laughed. SO. HARD.

11891131_10153123691916033_427196477564743646_nLaura and Yardley, somehow I missed a good picture of you this year! Though this one from last year will always be priceless 😉 We loved having you join us for the day! The boys especially appreciate Yardley’s willingness to be silly with them 🙂

Around the time that Laura and Yardley joined us, it was time for a trip to the fine arts building. If there is anything to know about Keilan the 5.5 year old, it is that he loves animals, and he was loving the fine arts building this year: “Mom, will you take a picture with this one?!?!”

Another highlight of the fair, is the parade. It is a great excuse to sit for a while in the middle of the day, and the boys LOVED it.

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Waiting for the parade to start.

Kai was especially excited by the parade this year. He took his job as parade-goer very seriously. Here is a picture of him simultaneously waving and blowing kisses to each float, band, and giant cow that passed by…IMG_3612

The parade route landed us right next to some sports-tastic entertainment, and it seems that the Minnesota sports teams were on a mission to make us feel small this year…

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Keilan the Viking in a GINORMOUS helmet

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Kai trying out Karl-Anthony Towns’ size 20 footprints

The taxidermied animals made our little animal-lover’s day, and he was VERY willing to pose with each and every one of them. For most of the day, “The hyena butt,” was his favorite part of the fair.

While we lost Keilan to his wild side; Kai fell asleep.

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This was also when Katie joined our group. Again, I am so grateful for these friends in my life…and in our family’s life. The boys were thrilled to share the adventures of the fair with Auntie K, and she made it just in time for the tour of the barns!

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This was a sweet moment between Keilan and his Auntie K…until someone came to empty the garbage can and doused Keilan and Katie with the liquid contents of the bag :/ At least they’ll have a story to tell for future years at the fair?!?!

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I LOVE them!!!

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After a few more snow cones and Icees, we adventured past the DNR pond and through the reptile building…

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The fish pond has always been a favorite of mine…and it has always been a favorite of our little men as well. The reptile building was a new adventure this year, and it was also VERY well received by our animal-loving guys ❤

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I call this one: Godparents and Reptiles…So glad to have such amazing friends with!

 

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Coconut latte and vegan scone? YES! Thank you, French Meadow Bakery. That was EXACTLY what I needed to power through the last couple hours of the fair 😉

After a few more state fair favorites (the godparents sneaking cheesecurds while the boys and I shared a vegan scone…), it was time to visit the giant vegetables. I’m not sure why, but this is quite possibly my favorite part of any fair day…IMG_3668

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It took us a while to make it through the horticulture building because Kai likes to stop and smell ALL the flowers…and Keilan has a knack for finding ALL the animals 🙂

Kai does NOT forget to stop and smell the roses (or any flowering plant…)
Animals? Keilan will find them!
Keilan stared at these “bird pictures” for a loooong time 🙂

After plants, it was time for rides. And we started out BIG: monster truck big.IMG_3691IMG_3689I think it is safe to say that Kai LOVED the monster truck ride… 

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Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! That. Was. TASTIC!!!

After we left the fair, Auntie K asked each of the boys what their favorite part of their day had been. Both replied without hesitation: Kai’s favorite part of the fair was, “The rides, ” and Keilan’s was right here: “The jungle train.” ❤

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And since we don’t do the fair without the coupon book…and Winky the Whale always tends to feature in the coupon book…And Winky the Whale has palm trees, orcas, AND bubbles; the boys were excited for this fair day tradition 🙂

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Just for fun: Winky the Whale 2015

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And Winky the Whale 2014

After rides, we were all dragging, and it was clearly almost time to roll on home, but we couldn’t resist a few more moments of fun…

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Katie and I finally got our annual state fair pic together…at Cambria of all places 😉

We typically end our day with Sweet Martha’s chocolate chip cookies…and I wasn’t sure how I was going to dairy-free my way out of that one. But the boys decided that mini-donuts sounded good and the day was saved! And then we got distracted by cotton candy before we found the mini-donuts and that was just as sweet 😉

And just like that, our day came to an end. So with our bellies full of sugar, our bodies exhausted from the day, and our hearts full; we loaded our bus and headed home.

So long for now, Minnesota State Fair! See you again in 2017!!!

 

 

 

 

April Showers

This morning, I was thoroughly dismayed to see snowflakes floating down from a winter-grey sky. Spring in Minnesota can be trying at best: warm and hopeful one day, cold and unrelenting the next. This week has felt like winter.

This week was my Gramie’s funeral.

This week has been long.

This week has been hard.

This week has felt bleak.

Today, as they do so many times, my boys helped me see past my dismay: to remember the joy that is in the journey. The joy that is in transition; even this looooong transition from winter to summer.

As I scrambled to get our things ready for school/daycare/work, my boys ran out into the yard. My impatience with their disregard for coats or reminders to “wait for me,” vanished as I heard them giggle and squeal in delight.

“Momma! I did it! I did it!” Kai screamed as I caught up to them; “We caught snow on our tongues!!!” 

His grin was both gleeful and lopsided, as his tongue was still sticking out; and he waved frantically at his brother who was also spinning around the front yard with his face to the sky. Their delight made me stop.

And laugh.

And pull out my camera.

Because these are the moments I want to embrace and to remember. 

This morning I thought it was the snow that was to blame for my feelings of dismay, but that isn’t true. The dismay was my own. The snow was easily asking for laughter and delight; it didn’t taunt me, it was not willing me towards angst. On Christmas morning I would have found it beautiful, even magical; so why not today?

Why not every day? There are times in life that aren’t easy. There are weeks like this one when there is time to mourn. Ecclesiastes chapter three tells that there is a time for mourning and a time for laughing. Both have a place. But today the laughter of my boys challenged me to resist getting stuck. To remember that even though I might be anxious to move past winter, I shouldn’t miss the joy that it could still hold for me while it remains here.

To embrace the heart of a child.

And to find the ability, when April brings snow showers, to catch them gleefully on my tongue.

  

Each Day is an Adventure

14 years ago, on the weekend after Thanksgiving,  Patrick took me on a romantic stroll through downtown St. Paul, “To see the Christmas lights.” We had a wonderful time walking through the wintery wonderland that is Rice Park in November, we sat and admired the towering Christmas tree and marveled at the gorgeous Landmark Center, and we ended our evening under the twinkling lights of the Riverfront Park.

And then he proposed.

And I said, “Yes.”

Last night, after a particularly hectic outing to Target with two toddlers in tow, the boys warmed our frazzled hearts with their very audible admiration of each set of Christmas lights that we passed along the way. The lights that adorned homes, yards, and businesses brought cheers and applause from the backseat as we journeyed home.

And then, rather than head home, we drove downtown as a family.  We admired those same lights that Patrick and I had admired 14 years ago this weekend, and the boys marveled at the, “Biggest Christmas tree in the entire world.”

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The “Biggest Christmas Tree in the Entire World.” ❤

We all enjoyed the beauty of the drive, and a “tricky” family outing turned into a sweet memory.

And, just as I am every day, I was so grateful and glad that 14 years ago, Patrick proposed; and I said, “Yes.”

Not everyday feels like a romantic stroll through a wintery wonderland, but each day is an adventure.

And I’m grateful to have someone by my side who helps me look for joy in this journey of ours; even in “ordinary” times. Someone who reminds me, when I become overwhelmed by the anxieties of life, to trust God with all my heart and to not rely on my own understandings (Proverbs 3:5,6). Someone who has learned alongside me that our best-laid plans are often usurped by God’s plans–and that His plans are better than our own. Someone who views our home as a place that we have been blessed with; a place that we should in turn use to bless others whenever we can. And someone who extends grace to me time and time again; inspiring me to extend grace to others as well.

Thanksgiving is a time to remember all you have to be thankful for. Today I’m grateful for a husband who journeys with me, looking for joy, “In good times and the bad.”

May this season also inspire you to be thankful, to extend grace, and to find joy in your journey. ❤

But the greatest of these…

Kai is my snuggle bug. He is quick with a hug, a squeeze, a kiss on the cheek. So when I put him to bed tonight, I offered to snuggle next to him for a few minutes. He has a number of blankets and “fluffy toys” that he gets “cozy” with each night. But tonight, after a few minutes with his cozy friends, he emerged from him nest and climbed up on top of me: enveloping me in a 2-year-old sized bear hug, a snuggle, and a mumbled, “Love you so much.”

My heart. ❤️

He laid there for a few minutes with his head on my chest; his arms and legs wrapped around me. And just as I was about to transfer him back to his nest, he picked up his head and whispered, “Momma, you’re the best girl ever,” before nuzzling back in and kissing my neck.

As he burrowed back into his cozy little nest of blankets and “fluffy” friends, I thought my heart might burst. And I found myself trying to mentally “capture” the moment. I thought about all the ways my boys bring joy to my journey: to our everyday adventures. And then I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” And, please don’t fault me for over simplifying the significance of this passage, but in that moment I felt the greatness of love.

Love

One of my little man’s go-to phrases these days has been, “But, Momma, I just need…YOU!”

And love brings joy to the journey. I know this because a few months ago, my littlest man WOULDN’T GO TO SLEEP. I was nearly ready to cry from exhaustion and frustration, and so I determined I would put on my pajamas, brush my teeth, and stick him in bed next to me. However, Kai, had no intentions of letting me out of his sight. As he followed me into the bathroom, I felt my frustration rise. But then my frustration melted away as I heard his plea: “Momma, I watch you brush your teeth?” and saw those sweet little eyes looking up at me. How can frustration win in the face of such adoration: such love? So instead of going to bed cranky, I went to bed feeling love; finding joy in my journey again.

Being a parent is exhausting. Most of the time, I’m pretty sure being a human is exhausting. 😉 But I believe that holding on to love, and leaning on the One who gives us the gift of perfect love, helps us to find joy in our journey again: even if we are searching through blurry, sleep-deprived eyes.

Laundry Mountains and Joy in the Journey

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Mount Laundry

Somedays I feel like I am engaged in a never-ending battle with laundry. As I looked at my kitchen table this morning, covered with piles upon piles of clothing; I may or may not have silently compared it to an insurmountable mountain.

Don’t misunderstand: I was grateful that my family has ample clothing to wear and that I was looking at clean laundry instead of piles of dirty. And folding laundry always makes my heart swell with gratitude, pride, and love for the little people and loving husband that fill the very clothes I am engaged in battle with. However, most days I have a hard time appreciating those seemingly-infinite piles.

My guys have been sick this week and sleep has been rare, but this morning I found myself up early enjoying the quiet; stacking mound upon mound of laundry.  Once the boys were up, I abandoned the piles and got busy with cuddles, juice cups, and breakfast.  I shooed them away from the table once or twice in fear that my piles might come tumbling down, but toddlers are persistent to a fault and they found their way back there when I was was not looking.  And then, just as they so often do, they challenged my perspective. They might not appreciate the fact that I do laundry so that they have clean clothes to wear, but today they appreciated my insurmountable mountain.  Except where I saw a battle, they saw adventure: an opportunity to explore.

“Look, Kai!  Look at the city…” I heard Keilan whisper in an awe-filled voice.

“Wow.” Kai murmured in response.

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Looked like a pile of pajamas to me, but my guys saw it as a breathtaking skyscraper. ❤

And then they stood for a number of mesmerized moments admiring those beautiful towers and the “roads” between them.

“Kai! Whoa! Look at THAT tower!”

“Keilan! Look!  Look at that path!”

I still shooed them away before any of those towers came tumbling down, but I did it with a smile and with a newfound joy in today’s journey.

Love those boys.

Love how they challenge my perspective.

Love how they help me appreciate the journey even when I get caught up in the challenges and doldrums.  And I love how they help me find joy in this journey of life and love that we’re on.

 

"LOOK! Kai, look at the city!"

Confession: these laundry piles lasted on the table for more than just an hour or two. But we didn’t let our laundry mountain get in the way of our lunch. These boys LOVED their picnic amidst the laundry city 😉

A Change in Perspective: a Discovery of Joy

When I first began this blog, I wrote about how speed bumps make me smile: and they still do. Finding joy in the everyday adventures of life often requires trying on a new perspective. Just as my brother taught me to see the joy that can be found in life’s speed bumps, my little boys challenge my perceptions of the world each day.

A few days ago, we were just blocks from home when we were forced to stop at a railroad crossing as a train slowly approached the crossing. Patrick muttered a groan of disapproval, I silently bemoaned the inconvenience, and then we heard stirring in the backseat of the van. The boys were just waking up, and I smiled at the sound as I anticipated what their reactions might be. Although my nearly-four-year-old is often slow to wake up, he became alert quickly as he realized why we had stopped.

“Dad, why did we stop?”

“Because there is a train coming, Kei.”

“Oh. Dad, there is a train?”

“Yes, Keilan.”

“Oh, thanks, Dad!”

I saw the irritation melt from Patrick’s face and felt mine lift as well; as we fell deep into a family discussion regarding the color of the engines, what each freight car might possibly be transporting, and even the parade of graffiti that consequently marched before our eyes. One of the freight cars had a picture of a Smurf spray-painted across its side, and Keilan cried out, “Dad! Look a SNURF!!!” knowing that the Smurfs had been a childhood favorite of Patrick’s. His sweet mispronunciation added to the joy of the moment as his brother eagerly pointed out, “A bird!” on the following car.

I treasured the joy of that moment as a reminder that even though sitting at a railroad crossing generally feels inconvenient at best and infuriating at worst, a simple shift in perspective can change all of that. In that moment, our perspective changed. We were no longer just counting the minutes until the train would be past; we were enjoying every minute of the show.

As the final freight car disappeared out of sight, and the crossing arms began to rise, I committed that moment to memory. That moment was a challenge to face life’s delays with a new perspective. That moment was joy.

These two bring such great perspective: and so much joy <3

These two bring such great perspective…and so much joy ❤

Joy in Exhaustion

I have two toddlers. I teach kindergarten. Being a mother and a teacher represent things about myself that I am immensely proud to call mine.  They represent challenges and accomplishments. They represent stress, sleep loss, and joy.

Just this morning, I was thinking about how I had not posted anything here in a long time. I had also briefly reflected on why: was I unable to find joy in my journey or just unable to find the time or energy to document it?  I think the honest answer is that both might be true.  My life is not without joy; however, there is also worry, dirty laundry, frustration, potty training, and exhaustion that sometimes derail me from finding (and documenting) joy in my everyday adventures.

So, that was what I was thinking about this morning. And along with those reflections, I may have said a quick prayer, silently vowing to “find” some joy today.  Then the day got rolling: the living room needed vacuuming, arguing brothers needed mediating, lunch needed making, and pretty soon the boys needed to wind down for nap-time.  Though Keilan is out-growing naps, his almost-four-year-old self still benefits from a little quiet rest-time each day.  I brought the boys upstairs, but they were not in the mood for rest–and I was not in the mood for convincing them to be. So I went downstairs, hoping that they would magically fall asleep.  Instead, Patrick volunteered to go upstairs and rest with them while I ate my lunch.  I enjoyed a few peaceful moments by myself, and then I decided that I should go check on the boys.

Caught!

Caught!

When I cracked open the bedroom door, I saw Kai asleep in his crib and Patrick sound asleep in Keilan’s bed; while Keilan played with his toys beside him.  Though I might have been just a little bit irritated at Patrick’s “help,” I had to stifle a smile.  After all, he is just as exhausted as I am, and Keilan’s “I just got caught face” was too adorable.  So I decided that rather than fight about nap-time or tell Patrick to wake up, I whispered for Keilan to join me downstairs.  I told him that he didn’t need to worry about nap-time but that he still needed to rest. I told him that I wanted to rest too so I was going to put on a movie and we were going to rest together.  Much to my surprise, my little man who is growing bigger and more independent each day, curled up next to me on the couch, and pretty soon he was sound asleep laying on my chest.  And there it was: joy.  Joy in precious snuggly moments: joy in being his mom. Joy that I would have missed if I had been cranky about nap-time not going the way I had planned.  And the best part? I was totally and completely trapped under my sleeping toddler. I couldn’t move without waking him up: I was unable to change loads of laundry, work on lesson plans for school, pick up the toy room, or do the lunch dishes.  There was my answer to prayer: I had “found” the joy I was looking for and the exhaustion that so easily derails it had been addressed too. I was “forced” to take a nap; under the weight of a sweet, sleepy toddler.

I can’t promise that my posts will be more frequent because of this incident; but there was reason to celebrate joy in my journey today.  And today joy was found in a moment that might not have happened if everything had gone according to my schedule; so it was also a reminder to enjoy the journey: to find joy, even in the unplanned adventures of each day.

Joyful Snuggles

Perfect

I did not get much sleep last night…or the night before.  Keilan’s sleep patterns have been true to his three-year-old-self lately.  Often he is up for HOURS wanting nothing more than to bounce and play and read and sing and…. And in the few short moments where he rests quietly, inevitably, something like his brother’s cold symptoms will keep us awake. A few months ago, one particular night, Keilan was up NUMEROUS (a term used to describe a number that is at once large and also ambiguous due to exhaustion and frustration) times screaming and crying: “It hurts! It hurts! Mom, help me!!!”  After NUMEROUS attempts to console him, I came to the conclusion that there was really nothing I could do to “help,” and Keilan was entirely unable or unwilling to tell me what the “it” was that was hurting him.  But the most absurd thing happened the following morning as I was reflecting on the sleep I had (or had not had) the previous night: the most ridiculous word came to mind.  In my mind I qualified the sleep as short, disjointed, insufficient…and perfect.

If a sleepless night with unhappy boys does not sound perfect to you, I understand. I blame my three-year-old for causing the word “perfect” to come to my mind.  He has an incredible ability to see the perfection in the imperfect around us each day.

We recently stayed with a friend of ours who had moved into a rental property while looking for a more permanent place.  While staying at his home, he listed off all of the reasons he was hesitant to stick with this property; all of the things that he would choose differently in his next home.  Also, being new to this home, his furniture was sparse, and so I had my messy, little boys sit on the floor in the kitchen when it was time for them to eat.  Uncle Adam, as my boys call him, is kind and compassionate; but I still didn’t want to risk a mess on his carpeted dining room floor.  A large cardboard box served nicely as a table, and the boys were thoroughly impressed with their mealtime set-up.  Keilan found this to be the best thing that had ever happened, and one morning, around bites of blueberry muffin, he informed me: “Uncle Adam has a perfect house.”  And so it was.  It was filled with friends and family and fun…and it was perfect.  Maybe the split-level set-up was a little unusual, maybe the space was larger than necessary, maybe the empty walls were looming, but it was the location of our little-boy-approved breakfast picnic and it was “perfect.”

Often Keilan reminds us of all the perfection around us. After a recent trip out of town, Keilan sat out on our deck admiring the way the wood in the deck was a little “squishy” and the particular way the paint on the side of the house was peeling.  “Mom. Our house is perfect.  It is builded. And it is perfect.”  Keilan, in his insightful way, declared our imperfect home “perfect” in all its imperfections simply because it existed, it was “builded,” and it was ours. And though it is easy for me to see all the things our house is lacking; when I glimpse through his three-year-old lens, focused in on the family that fills our home, I can see its perfection as well.

If you are feeling overcome with feelings of discontent, I dare you to spend a day with my little man.  When traveling in the car with him, he will declare each hill you come to as, “The biggest hill EVER!” And he will accept the blueberry donut you hand him with the most winsome grin and declare: “That’s the special one ever.” (In those exact, grammatically incorrect words that speak of his youth and sweet sincerity.)  And I know, from experience, that you will grin from ear to ear and your heart will be full when he announces from the backseat of the van: “Mommy, you know what favorite letter I love? The letter ‘G’!!! That’s the perfect one for me!”

The word “perfect” can mean many things. One of Webster’s definitions of the word reads: “As good as it is possible to be.” And while I am pretty sure that there are things I would change about my current, sleepless nights; I have also come to appreciate another definition: “Highly suitable for someone or something; exactly right.”  I have come to accept this definition of perfection because that same little boy who has kept me awake so many nights, has also taught me about looking past annoyance and declaring perfection.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am exhausted.  I would REALLY, REALLY, REALLY appreciate a good night’s sleep; and maybe a few hours “away” from my little guys to rest and recoup my energy.  But as I reflect on the annoyances of being kept awake night after night, I am overcome by the love I have for my little boys, by the great privilege it is to be the one that they call for in the middle of the night, and by the possibility that even my sleep-deprived, caffeine-induced existence just might be “perfect.”

I will choose to find joy in this sleepless part of my journey as I embrace the belief that these boys, this time of life, and the challenges that they bring are “exactly right” for me. After all, as much as I may think I know what is “perfect” for me, I have found time and again that God’s plans are greater than mine. And when I trust in Him to lead me, I am reassured by the words of Jeremiah 29:11, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

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No, they don’t share a bed. But this photo still somehow captures how my three-year-old feels about sleep…